Discovering Happiness: Practical Steps to a More Positive Mindset

When we think of the word “happy,” many things might come to mind: a fond childhood memory, a favorite food, a dear friend. Whatever it is, most people can remember a moment in time when they felt truly happy. However, there are some people who seem to be genuinely, honestly happy a great deal of the time. How do they do it? Are they born with a secret ‘happy gene’ that others are missing? Or do they understand something fundamental that many people either don’t know or have trouble accessing within themselves? The answer is likely a bit of both, but whether we label it happiness, contentment, or positivity, we can start by looking at our own expectations, and what we do – or don’t do – to actively cultivate a state of being that feels fulfilling.

One of my favorite books is an oldie but goodie – “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck, M.D. It was especially popular in the 80s and 90s but it holds up beautifully over time, and the first lines of the book have stayed with me to this day: “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.” Now, one might read this and think, “Well, great. So, life is just one big slog, with one crummy thing happening after another.” That is certainly one way to look at it, and we all probably know a person or two who generally has this attitude, even if unspoken. And if the old adage that “life is 90% attitude” is true (and I firmly believe that it is), these are the people we usually feel drained by, after spending time with them. Who wants to be one of those people?

I’ve highlighted two extremes – people who are generally happy, positive people and those who have a more negative mindset, seeing the ways in which they’ve been let down, and are on the short end of the stick. Then there are those who fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, perhaps genuinely wanting to access feelings of optimism and joy more often, but who feel stuck in how to simply, Be Happier.  The good news is that our mindset is always fully and completely in our control. This is another great truth that many people overlook, subconsciously choosing instead to focus on external factors, which are very often out of their control.

Clients often ask me, “How can I change my negative thinking?” I always say that it isn’t a light switch to simply be turned on in a singular action, but rather a new pathway in the mind that needs to be formed, which takes time, repetition and patience. If we think of a busy highway with many paved lanes full of cars zipping along, it gives us a picture of our current default mindset. If our thinking tends toward the negative, that’s where the majority of the cars are cruising along, which represent our thoughts. Those thoughts might be anxious and fearful a lot of the time, and this in turn causes us stress and distress. Clients also often say to me, “But these are facts. I did have a terrible day because…”, and they will go on to list a series of upsetting things that did, in fact, occur that day.  I’m not trying to argue that those things didn’t happen. But where are we putting our attention and our energy?

A quick exercise I will then engage in with a client is to ask them to give me an equal number of positive things that happened that day. This is the first step to paving a new highway: interrupting a negative thought and actively replacing it with a more positive one. It usually takes a minute or two, but after a little prodding, most clients are able to list some things that happened the day before that they hadn’t spent much time thinking about, but which were arguably good things. Maybe they caught up with an old friend they hadn’t spoken to in ages, or they got a great deal on the new jeans they’d been wanting to buy, or they ate their favorite meal for dinner.  This is an easy exercise you can do whenever you find yourself more focused than you’d like on what isn’t going well or what a terrible day it’s been. In addition to trying to pave new pathways of thinking, it is an exercise in practicing gratitude. Extensive research and numerous studies show that those who consistently practice gratitude experience significant improvement in both their mental and physical health, and report greater levels of overall happiness.

None of this is to say that being more positive ensures that you can sidestep the difficulties and tragedies of life. We can, however, recognize that most of the time, both good and bad things happen each day, and it is always a choice in terms of what we pay attention to. This is especially important, since what we pay attention to grows. This simple concept – what we pay attention to grows – is incredibly powerful once we really embrace its potential. For example, if there is a behavior in your partner that you really like and enjoy, it’s almost guaranteed that if you give that behavior your attention, you are encouraging more of it. Similarly, when we give a lot of attention to negative behavior or unlucky breaks, we are subconsciously ensuring that we are likely going to get more of them.

If I have a negative storyline about my life and what happens to me, I am subconsciously looking for examples to prove my theory, and I will always be able to find them, since that’s where I’m placing my attention and focus.  If I actively decide to change my storyline (again, working on paving new pathways of thinking), I’m not changing the facts nor am I spinning a false tale of hope. I am simply choosing what to look for and what to focus on. At first this takes effort and intention, as I consciously look for examples to support my new, more positive storyline. They’ve likely been there all along, but my attention has been focused elsewhere.

Remember, positive and negative attention both encourage more of whatever we’re encountering, so carefully choose the kind of attention you give to the events and people in your life. The results just might surprise you.

Article by Karen Rigatti for Easy Milano

Karen Rigatti is an American living in Milan since 2008. She is a Certified Professional Counselor, working with expats (individuals, couples and young adults), helping them develop more effective communication and coping strategies, to better manage interpersonal challenges and embrace the changes in their lives. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and AssoCounseling, in Italy and she also works as a Student Counselor at Bocconi University in the Department of Campus Life – Counseling & Self-Empowerment, counseling students ranging from first-year Bachelors up through PhDs on a wide variety of academic, adjustment and interpersonal issues. Additionally, she works at IES Study Abroad supporting their US exchange students. 

www.karenrigatti.com

See other articles on cultural adjustment and expat life by Karen Rigatti.

Photo by Paul Pastourmatzis