The Accompanying Partner, AKA: The Trailing Spouse
“Take heart that every single ex-pat you meet was once as green as you are…”
There seems to be no perfect label for a role that is both challenging and often overlooked in discussions about expat life. Historically, the term ‘trailing spouse’ has been used, but it carries an implication of secondary importance, as if the accompanying partner is merely an add-on to the working spouse whose job has prompted the move abroad. While women have traditionally filled this role, an increasing number of men are now stepping into it as well. Unfortunately, relocation managers and HR departments often provide little to no support for the accompanying spouse, who typically shoulders the immense responsibility of setting up the household and ensuring the family’s smooth transition.
The Hidden Challenges of the Accompanying Spouse
The non-working spouse’s initial tasks include making sure the family settles in—getting the kids registered in school, setting up utilities, and stocking the fridge—all while navigating a foreign language and culture, often without a clear support system. Yet beyond the logistical challenges, there is an emotional toll: a loss of professional identity, feelings of isolation, and a deep sense of being unmoored in an unfamiliar world.
For many couples, the decision to move abroad means one partner must put their career on hold. In their home country, dual-career couples often had extended family, babysitters, or nannies to help with childcare and household tasks. Upon relocating, the at-home spouse assumes these responsibilities alone, often without realizing the emotional and psychological impact. Without a structured work schedule, regular adult interaction, or the fulfillment of a professional identity, the accompanying partner can feel lost, lonely, and unrecognizable to themselves.
The Added Role of Family Counselor
Beyond household management, the accompanying spouse often takes on the role of emotional anchor, ensuring that everyone is adjusting well to their new environment. Children, in particular, may struggle with cultural adaptation, behavioral shifts, and the stress of making new friends. When children experience these hurdles, tensions at home can rise, making the adjustment period even harder.
Setting Yourself Up for Success
So, how can you, the accompanying partner, not only survive but thrive in this new reality? Here are some key strategies:
- Prioritize Social Connections
If you had a job, connecting with people happened naturally. Without that, it’s vital to seek out new social interactions. Connect with other expats and locals—whether or not they become close friends, regular interaction is essential. If your children attend an international school, the parent community is an excellent place to start. Remember, every seasoned expat was once a newcomer. Many will welcome an honest conversation about the highs and lows of life abroad.
- Engage with Your Child’s School Community
If you were too busy to be involved in school activities before, now is the time to engage. International schools often welcome parent volunteers, and participating can be a great way to meet others in similar situations.
- Maintain a Hobby or Sport
One of the best ways to preserve your sense of self is to continue engaging in activities you loved before moving. Whether it’s running, yoga, painting, or music, keeping up with familiar pursuits can help ease the transition and maintain emotional balance.
- Let Go of the Pressure to Learn the Language
While learning the local language can be beneficial, it is not a prerequisite for happiness abroad. If learning Italian (or any other language) is something you enjoy, go for it. But if it feels overwhelming, give yourself permission to set it aside. Functional living in Italy is possible with minimal language skills, thanks to the expat community and widespread use of English in major cities.
- Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to mean expensive spa days or retreats. Self-care can be as simple as a workout, coffee with a friend, or a long phone call with loved ones back home. Thanks to technology, staying connected is easier than ever. If challenges become overwhelming, seeking support from an English-speaking counselor can be incredibly beneficial.
The Takeaway
More than ever, you are ground control for your family’s expat journey. But that doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. By prioritizing connections, maintaining pieces of your former life, and practicing self-care, you can navigate this transition with resilience and fulfillment. Remember, you are not alone—every expat has been in your shoes, and with time, you will find your place in this new adventure.
Article by Karen Rigatti for Easy Milano
Karen Rigatti is an American living in Milan since 2008. She is a Certified Professional Counselor, working with expats (individuals, couples and young adults), helping them develop more effective communication and coping strategies, to better manage interpersonal challenges and embrace the changes in their lives. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and AssoCounseling, in Italy and she also works as a Student Counselor at Bocconi University in the Department of Campus Life – Counseling & Self-Empowerment, counseling students ranging from first-year Bachelors up through PhDs on a wide variety of academic, adjustment and interpersonal issues. Additionally, she works at IES Study Abroad supporting their US exchange students.
See other articles on cultural adjustment and expat life by Karen Rigatti.
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